Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Conflicted!

What would you do if someone you really cared about came to you and said, “I’m pregnant,” and they were only 18, just graduated from high school and had received three letters of acceptance to attend college? What would you say, if you asked, “By who,” and she answered, “you don‘t know him, he’s twenty.” Then you inquired as to what he does professionally and the person respond, “he sell drugs?”

That’s the dilemma that a young girl is facing now who I have worked with through various programs. She is conflicted with having an abortion because she doesn’t believes in them, yet she wants to go to college, get a job and progress in life. She knows that having a child is going to hamper or even stop her because she lives in a house with too many people in it already, does not have a car, or job, and will not be able to receive assistance from the State of Illinois unless she is in school. Even then it will only be a stipend of about $97.00 bucks a month. Just maybe she might be able to receive a little more but that is only if she is in school.

Now this is the problem. She will have to drop the baby off at a child care center on the bus then catch a bus to the Metro-Link rail train to college and do it again near the end of the day. Who will buy the pampers, baby clothes, etc/ I mean how long can she expect to be with the drug dealer, they usually don’t last long due to getting killed, arrested, etc. These are the questions I asked.

Personally I believe she got pregnant on purpose. It was something she said. “Everybody got babies now.”

I said, “Every body does not have a baby. Too many teens are going to college.”

“They probably leaves their children with their mother. In my community, in the ghetto they do.”


"I work with many girls in your community so that is not a true statement.”

“Well, my boyfriend said he will help me.”

“Did he ask you to marry him? Did he say I love you so much I want to put you up in an apartment, buy you a car so you don’t have to walk?”

“No he didn’t. He wants me to have the baby. I said I was getting an abortion.”

“Call him now. Ask him how will you and he take care of the baby.”

She dials his number and leaves a message about taking care of the baby for 18 years.”

Two nights later he still had not called her.

She asked me to take her to get an abortion. She got the money from her mother and granny and her graduation gifts. Her grandmother believes if she has this child, she is going to give up. I don’t believe in abortions period. I am not taking her at all. She has researched this on her own.

I told her I will not take her but she had to be absolutely sure she wanted this as I know she does not believe in abortions either. But the boy promised to be with her if she had his child. But still, he will not return her calls or give her money for the abortion and has already claimed to have bought the baby some socks and t-shirts.

Finally, I can see in her eyes that she only wants the child cause her circle of friends are all pregnant or have a baby. But knows that she will end up unable to financially care for the child and her family has already informed her that she will have to get out of their home because they have no room for a child. She has scheduled an abortion for Friday morning. She is conflicted and I am too.

I don’t believe in abortions but I know where all this is heading. If the boy will not call her now, just think, she is definitely going to be alone.
.
I know she has been in several of our safe sex classes, abstinence classes, and in our rap sessions about how much money it takes to care for an infant. Why won’t these kids listen?

16 comments:

Luke Cage said...

Miss Rose, I really don't know what I would tell that young lady or anyone that close to me what to do. Either decision carries great consequences. I don't pretend to have experienced the effects of this most troubling of acts, especially where the woman is concerned.

That is to say, I obviously haven't counseled anyone to have an abortion, and (being a man) I certainly haven't had one myself. My thoughts here are therefore aimed at those like me thinking about the issue of abortion from a somewhat simplified perspective -

Without the strain of past decisions impacting upon us, and perhaps without the strain of personal circumstance clouding our thinking.

On one hand, if she goes through with the abortion, I don't write this to condemn or to judge her. This is obviously a time of great pressure and requires tremendous thought. Plus there is enough judging done by others in our society, and if she ges the abortion and then regrets her decision, my guess is that she'll be judging herself enough as it is.

I don't know if I could go to the abortion clinic with someone that close to me even if I support their decision. I was about to loan a friend money one time, but when I found out the money was for an abortion, I backed off. That was about 15 or so years ago now. Today, I would probably not go to the clinic, but I would loan the money to her.

In this case, I would definitely try to talk her out of getting away from that street pharmacist. That's for damn sure!

Luke Cage said...

I would definitely try to talk her out of getting away from that street pharmacist. That was supposed to say talk her "into getting away from that street pharmacist."

kathi said...

Doesn't matter if he doens't want to call her or not, a paternity test will get her support for 18 years. Has she even mentioned adoption? That would be the logical choice. Abortion isn't even in the equation for me.
Sad, all the way around, but it could turn into a huge blessing for someone wanting that baby, and they'd pay for the all the dr. bills and she could go to college.
Down the road, the baby will be proud of their birth mom for doing the right thing and for being a college graduate.

Shai said...

I have had an abortion. I was 18, he was 19. We were not ready. I was in college and he had a job with nice pay but no benefits. I felt bad about it. I did not believe in abortions at the time and I did it anyway. I don't regret it. I have reconciled it.

I cannot say what I would tell her. Making a life is some deep stuff and to say get rid of it is not good advice.

Either way she will suffer major consequences. She can have the baby and go to school struggling. She can have an abortion and struggle with the emotional, mental, and spiritual consequences.

BostonPobble said...

If you cannot in good conscience take her, do not take her. This doesn't make you a bad person. You are living your morality and it is no one's place to judge you for it ~ any more than it is someone's place to judge anyone else's. Support her, whatever her decision, as much as you can but Do NOT put yourself in a situation where you compromise yourself. I feel for this young woman and the choices that face her now.

Trew Life said...

"I mean how long can she expect to be with the drug dealer, they usually don’t last long due to getting killed, arrested, etc."

I love how you made it sound like drug dealers are a different species. lol.

I agree with Kathi. Maybe the woman should look into adoption. Yet we all know what usually happens. No mother (or most mothers) can sit back and know that their flesh and blood is alive, and not want to parent it.

I guess she's damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't.

- Trew Life

Dr. Deb said...

This is a tough one. I hear from teens I work with about this. Sometimes it is an "oops" moment, while other times it feels as if the teen wanted to get pregnant (for a variety of reasons. As many of your readers have commented, there are other alternatives and each one does have life altering consequences.

princessdominique said...

Finally I can comment. I don't know if it was Blogger or my computer! That's a sticky situation you posted about. I'm not sure what I'd say. She may be able to make it through one semester and take a leave or something of the sort.

Rosemarie said...

I don't believe in abortions either. If she's old enough to have unprotected sex or worse yet get pregnant on purpose than she better pick up her big girl panties and deal. There is another option...adoption. There are many families yearning for children that can afford the expense and are loving people. I see that as her only solution to pursuing her college education and career. Perhaps an open adoption.

TJ said...

It is so important that parents pay close attention to who their child associates with. They can attend safe sex programs until they are blue in the face, but if they are running around with a bunch of girls who are irresponsible sexually, then kids are really susceptible to those pressures.

The Brown Blogger said...

I think they covered it to the point where I have no words.

Drea (Brownsoul) said...

wow that's tough.

I think even if she didn't have the baby or gave it up, she would still have problems if she continued to associate with the drug dealer. My first piece of advice would be to tell her if she intended to have a real future for herself and her baby she needs to watch the company that she keeps.

Belizegial said...

An abortion is a temporary solution. IMHO, a long term approach is necessary to bring her esteem up to a level where she looks to a future filled with possibilities which do not include the street pharmacist. This is necessary whether she aborts or keeps the baby.

Miz JJ said...

There are enough people having children who can not take care of them. She should not add herself to that list. I think in her case an abortion is the best option in a list of shitty options.

JerseyTjej said...

If she cannot wrap her arms around being a single mom with no place to live and raise her baby, I fear she may already be in over her head. Babies are often used as a symbol of bragging rights instead of the procreation of the race. Please tell her to care for herself first then try to make a way for another life.

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