Sunday, December 31, 2006
What I have Learned About myself
I have learned a lot this past year. It took just about the entire year for me to learn to say ‘no’ to my family members. It has taken me that much longer to truly love myself. I have grown in ways that seems unreal.
First I had to learn to say no. I am the oldest daughter in my family and supposedly the most successfully financially per my family. With such a tag I was always pressured into doing almost everything to help others get on their feet. I helped by paying tuition, rent and car payments, home and car insurance, coats, utilities, pictures, just all kinds of stuff. It took me this long to learn that I wasn’t helping my family members but hindering them. You see if I didn’t help my nieces and nephews they would find a way to help themselves. But by giving them hand outs I was stopping them from during their best in striving to improve themselves. I only helped because they were my babies- I wanted my family to do better but the same way that I expected my clients to seek out resources to improve their lives, I should have expected family members to do the same. I’m not rich but I am rich in love for my family.
I also felt used, that my family members were using me because it was easy to do so. I mean why should they work hard to get things if I gave it to them. Now that I am saying no to them, they are seeking better jobs and education. Duh! What was I thinking before? How good it feels to say no.
When I learned the word no, it automatically taught me how to care more about myself. I got into the habit of being everyone’s savior on land, that I neglected me. I passed by a large picture window and didn’t recognize myself. I had let myself go to make others better, gaining nearly 40 pounds in the process. I didn’t give up on myself I just put everybody else first and forgot that I too, had needs. The word ‘no’ is so empowering, it gives you strength in ways that are not measurable. I feel better and am seeking better for myself.
I also learned that if you expect nothing from people you get nothing, especially if that person doesn’t want anything for himself. But if you pushed too hard people will rebel even to the point that they will hurt themselves. So here I wanted my nephew to really excel in school, graduate and go to college and be all that he could be. But he didn’t want the same thing. At first I fought so hard against him giving up, to the point of agitation. Every time I saw him I pestered him but I always left feeling empty like I had failed. I let go. I can only pray that he will desire more than he is seeking to better himself. But I feel better, less intense because I stopped worrying. It is his life and he will have to live with his decisions. (To be cond’t)