Wednesday, January 18, 2006
It is so easy for me to forgive folks especially when they come to me and say I am sorry for whatever happened. I am a person who loves hard but I also hurt just as bad. So when someone hurt me when I only tried to do things that helped them, or when a friend or family member break my confidence, I feel violated. I know that many folks can't understand that but I feel like this I really cared about that person and would have done whatever I could to help them and now they did this to me. Even though I forgave them, I can't forget. But if I am not the same around you it doesn't mean that I am mad. It just mean that I am guarded.
Take for instance my cousin, I did everything I could to inspire, motivate and encourage her and she proved so untrustworthy. Our relationship changed. Though I love her it affected our relationship. In college my very best friend and I broke up over a man. True she loved him and I knew it. At night we would lie on the floor and talk about him. He was a basketball star at the university we attended. She would write his name in finger nail polish on her night gown. She would draw hearts everywhere with their names inside.
One day she came up with a plan to let him know slowly. She would become his secret lover. Daily she put cards, flowers, liquish, candy, love letters anything she could do to express her love for him into his mailbox. Often I would slide it in his mailbox so she wouldn't get caught. He had others watching and waiting.
Three months after she started this he visited our room. We looked through the peep hole and we grabbed each other, ran to the bed and jumped up and down out of excitement. I can see us now, "he's here," finally he's here", we shouted. Then we ran to the door. She hid behind it while I opened it. She asked me to because she was scared.
I opened the door to this huge beautiful smile. I am 5'3 1/2 or just 5'4. He was 6'6. "Hi," I said. Before I could say another word he said, "I like you too. Will you go out with me?" Stunned I simply said, "no way. It is my roommate who likes you. She is in love with you." He looked puzzled. Finally he said, "I don't like her. I like you. Always have." I said, "I would never date you. I don't like you like that. She does." I slammed the door hard.
Guess what happened? She heard every single word but she was so angry with me. She accused me of taking her man. She cried and called her parents. Told them I betrayed her. They drove 3 1/2 hours to fix our relationship, taking us to dinner and talking about it. I told them what happened and they were shocked. They actually believed her until that day in the restaurant. She asked them to move her that weekend into a single. They tried to talk to her. For one week I did too, pleading with her to come to her senses. She wanted out. I was devastated.
One week later she moved out. I called my parents and they came to move me to an all girls dome. I was a mess. For another two weeks I called and she hung up. Finally I said enough. I had done nothing to receive that kind of treatment. She told everyone on campus I took her man. He told the truth. I told the truth. I never kissed him, touched him or called him. But I stood accused.
Five months later the pain of not having him diminished for her, she begin to heal. She came to me to make up. I forgave her and walked away, never again to talk to her. She hunted me down and apologized profusely. The damage was done. I would never ever trust her again. It was done.
We gave up a best friend relationship that we had for 9 years. We met when we were 10 years old. We were inseparable until we were 19, over nothing.So that is why I say this I can forgive a person but I can't go back to where we were. The trust is gone. But I have done what God has said to do and that is to forgive your brother, and to turn the other cheek. I suffered the lost of my dearest and closest friend. She is the only person who knew almost everything about me. I have never allowed my self to become that exposed again.
Are you a forgiving person? Can you ever become close to a person who hurt you?