Wednesday, January 18, 2006


On Forgiveness:


It is so easy for me to forgive folks especially when they come to me and say I am sorry for whatever happened. I am a person who loves hard but I also hurt just as bad. So when someone hurt me when I only tried to do things that helped them, or when a friend or family member break my confidence, I feel violated. I know that many folks can't understand that but I feel like this I really cared about that person and would have done whatever I could to help them and now they did this to me. Even though I forgave them, I can't forget. But if I am not the same around you it doesn't mean that I am mad. It just mean that I am guarded.

Take for instance my cousin, I did everything I could to inspire, motivate and encourage her and she proved so untrustworthy. Our relationship changed. Though I love her it affected our relationship. In college my very best friend and I broke up over a man. True she loved him and I knew it. At night we would lie on the floor and talk about him. He was a basketball star at the university we attended. She would write his name in finger nail polish on her night gown. She would draw hearts everywhere with their names inside.

One day she came up with a plan to let him know slowly. She would become his secret lover. Daily she put cards, flowers, liquish, candy, love letters anything she could do to express her love for him into his mailbox. Often I would slide it in his mailbox so she wouldn't get caught. He had others watching and waiting.

Three months after she started this he visited our room. We looked through the peep hole and we grabbed each other, ran to the bed and jumped up and down out of excitement. I can see us now, "he's here," finally he's here", we shouted. Then we ran to the door. She hid behind it while I opened it. She asked me to because she was scared.

I opened the door to this huge beautiful smile. I am 5'3 1/2 or just 5'4. He was 6'6. "Hi," I said. Before I could say another word he said, "I like you too. Will you go out with me?" Stunned I simply said, "no way. It is my roommate who likes you. She is in love with you." He looked puzzled. Finally he said, "I don't like her. I like you. Always have." I said, "I would never date you. I don't like you like that. She does." I slammed the door hard.

Guess what happened? She heard every single word but she was so angry with me. She accused me of taking her man. She cried and called her parents. Told them I betrayed her. They drove 3 1/2 hours to fix our relationship, taking us to dinner and talking about it. I told them what happened and they were shocked. They actually believed her until that day in the restaurant. She asked them to move her that weekend into a single. They tried to talk to her. For one week I did too, pleading with her to come to her senses. She wanted out. I was devastated.

One week later she moved out. I called my parents and they came to move me to an all girls dome. I was a mess. For another two weeks I called and she hung up. Finally I said enough. I had done nothing to receive that kind of treatment. She told everyone on campus I took her man. He told the truth. I told the truth. I never kissed him, touched him or called him. But I stood accused.

Five months later the pain of not having him diminished for her, she begin to heal. She came to me to make up. I forgave her and walked away, never again to talk to her. She hunted me down and apologized profusely. The damage was done. I would never ever trust her again. It was done.

We gave up a best friend relationship that we had for 9 years. We met when we were 10 years old. We were inseparable until we were 19, over nothing.So that is why I say this I can forgive a person but I can't go back to where we were. The trust is gone. But I have done what God has said to do and that is to forgive your brother, and to turn the other cheek. I suffered the lost of my dearest and closest friend. She is the only person who knew almost everything about me. I have never allowed my self to become that exposed again.

Are you a forgiving person? Can you ever become close to a person who hurt you?


46 comments:

ByeBye said...

I'm the same, very forgiving and I can't hold a grudge. But there was one whom I considered my best friend, my blood brothers of all brothas who betrayed me to the core of my soul. It took me a while to let go my anger but in time I was able to forgive him but I never forgot the pain of ultimate betrayal.... one lessons learned, you can dogged me once but never again will I travel that same road of trust.

defiant goddess said...

I don't know that I would call myself a forgiving person - maybe I am but I don't think of it like that. I am a compassionate person. I understand that people are at different levels of maturity, have different backgrounds and experiences, have different ways of self-expression. I understand that sometimes people can say or do things just because of a mood that has nothing to do with their intent or character. But I also believe in not playing the fool. Like you, I am guarded. Once someone shows me who they are, I don't forget. I won't condemn them - I understand we each have our ways - but I'll stay away from them. I believe in protecting my space and my peace.

I am different with family, though, because a strong foundation has been laid. I may get quiet on them for a minute but eventually we get over it. I can't even imagine staying upset with a family member.

Brownsoul said...

first of all...i just a hate when a man comes between friends. i've seen it too many times.

I'm the type of person who says, I forgive, but honestly, depending on the situation, I often hold on to things. I'm a loving person, but because that has been taken advantage of in the past, I conditioned myself to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. So, when someone hurts me, I'm more apt to dismiss it than confront it, and part of keeping that person away from my heart is holding on to whatever wrong I felt was done to me.

There are many things that I've had to learn to forgive because holding on was just holding me back. Still, it's a struggle for me to be truly forgiving...for it to be in my heart just as easily as it can come from my mouth.

N~Control said...

I can forgive anyone, anything, In time, but I don't forget.

You can't go back to something once the trust is destroyed.

It was easy to for her to come back to you, because you didn't hurt her. But she did hurt.

No one ever forgets anything Good or Bad that happens to them. Thats just life.

Good Post.

chele said...

I have to differ with you slightly on this one. Is it true forgiveness if you haven't forgotten? Have you really forgiven this person if you treat them shabbily whenever they are in your presence and quietly reminding them of what they did?

Don't get me wrong ... I'm not judging you. I'm the same way. I find it very difficult to forgive. I'm a professional grudge holder. I'm trying to do better. It took me more than a dozen years to truly forgive my first husband (the bigamist).

When God forgives us of our sins, the Bible says that he tosses those sins into the sea of forgetfulness and we are able to start over with a clean slate.

Dee said...

I can hold a grudge 4EVER!!!!

when I'm hurt by you and I trusted you...it takes a long time for me to forgive!!!

Msnhim said...

I can't forgive. I feel with I put my all into a friendship and you betray my trust I am done. Loyalty i very important to me and If I feel like you stabbed me in the back I guarantee I will never mess with you again.

"Fool me once, shame on you.Fool me twice shame on ME"

Unconquerable Soul said...

Last February, I was spiritually healed when I cried out forgiveness to everyone who did something to me. And send then, I've continue to forgive, but not always forget.

I can definitely be someone who can be close to someone whose hurt me. But, on the same hand it takes time for me to completely forgive and open back up!

Great Post

Rose said...

I hear you envizable. Once you hurt me I won't allow you to do again.

Goddess: With family members it so hard not to make up. You have a history with them bonded by blood, so you have to love them in spite of what they've done. Yet, you are reluctant to go real deep with them again.

Brownsoul: that is the worse way to lose a friend, over a man. In most cases they forgive each other when something happens. But in this case she was at the door, she heard every word. Plus she knew that I was in love with my high school boyfriend who I was still dating.

I forgave her. But that was it. It was easy to forgive her because I knew that she was hurt. Imagine a person you have loved from a far. You and your bestfriend strategize on your getting him. Then he announces I want the other friend, that was painful.. But she knew me..I really loved her.

Chele: You are right if I mistreated the person. But I am not like that. I forgive. I don't forget. I speak to you and can hold an intelligent conversation but that is where I draw the line. I don't bad mouth you, I just don't want any kind of relationship with you. In this case, I never broke up with her parents or other relatives. Her mother was the only one that I trusted to keep my child from 6 mths -two years old in her daycare. So we remained cordial.

Stacy-Deanne said...

Hi Rose, you and I are the same, overly kind. People like us always seem to get hurt the most. Anyway, I can forgive some things but bigger things that have happened to me I will not ever be able to forgive the person because it deeply traumatized me and I just can't do it. Sometimes people hurt you so badly you can't forgive even if you want to. Maybe, if I could resolve it, I would try but I have lived with this painful thing for years and I finally was able to let go. Sometimes it is the person who hurts you that has to step up before you can even forgive them. But I don't think you can forgive everything. I don't mean little things of course. I mean big, hurtful, serious things that ruin lives. Rose you are older and wiser than me. Maybe when I get to your place in life and have lived through more experiences, I can forgive this person. But right now I can't. I'm not trying to hold onto the pain. I've let go but I just can't forgive this person. Just too much has happened. But maybe, years from now I can or at least I may be able to. This post hit me hard, very effective. Great job, Rose. Made me teary, but it also made me think. Hope you're enjoying, " Divas "!

'ka said...

i had my bestfriend talking shit behind my back. so unlucky for her, i heard a big chunk of it. i didn't say anything 'til 1 day i confronted her, asking if she had any problem with me lately. she said no. when i told her everything i heard, she was so surprised. the look on her face was invaluable. we had a LONG talk. she apologized, but i refused to talk to her after that. for more than 2 years she kept trying to show me gestures how sorry she was 'n how she wanted to be my bestfriend again.

until 1 day, i don't remember why or what happened, i was thinking... people make mistakes, including me. when i really do cherish 1 person, and i make a mistake, i really want that person to forgive me and take me back as i am :) so 1 day, without notice, i met her at work and i gave her a hug. she cried and cried. i completely forgive her and take her back. she's my dearest friend. i've been thru a lot with her and i really value her friendship. not even once i regret taking her back 'cuz she never fails me 'til now. if she doesn't like even a bit of what i say/do, she'll say it in front of my face instead of behind my back. we've been friends for more than 12 years now :)

feels good b n FREE said...

forgiveness is so hard.
but we must forgive.

still forgiving doesn't mean being dumb..or laying down to be walked on over and over again.

Shirazi said...

Yes, I am a forgiving person. I forgive everyone at the end of each day. But in the process, I have hurt myself a lot.

Berry said...

i forgive but it is difficult to forget.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I am forgiving. Very much so. But I always redefine and readjust a relationship after a trauma. So forgetting doesn't happen. I think it helps to keep me safe.

Your story is so sad. When a man comes between friends or family, the results can be life changing.

~Deb

Tha_Thought_Grinder said...

Yeah, I can say that i am forgiving. I love everyone. I just don't like somethings that they do. I still respect them nothing could make me loose that for them. I just don't talk to them. I guess everyone have to be a certain way around people that are false and unworthy of your friendship. Still pray for them still treat them nice but disconnect yourself from them. No conversation No laughs when they compliment you you say thanx and keep stepping. that's all that's it.

With the situation about your friend. That was dumb. I really didn't understand it. She wasn't your friend to begin with. If she was upset at you for being beautiful. You should've told her to step her "A game" up if she really wanted him. I think If her punk tail would've answered the door that would have never happened.

AsianSmiles said...

I'm not sure if I could safely say that I am a forgiving person. I too, do not forget. Most of the time I forgive for my own sake, so I could maintain my peace.

Sometimes I tell myself that what happened does not deserve another minute of my peace so I let my "hate" go ... but no, I don't forget what happened. I forget the ill feelings but I don't forget what was done. Then I accept the sad reality that the offender is not the type of person that I would like to be close with anymore. The door is still open of course, but it takes lots of variables to rebuild and rekindle a relationship.

What happened to you and your 'friend' is so sad. I'd be happy to learn later that things are ok between you but I'm sure you know what's best at the moment.

Thanks and God bless.

Jez Chill said...

Part of having a successful friendship / relationship is being able to forgive, and not hold grudges. If you did, it will be such a burden, everyone would be deprived of the joy forgiveness would bring.

NellaBella said...

I am the same way Rose. I forgive..but dont forget...and its really hard to get my trust back and for me to talk to the person again. So my thing is...dont rush me.. when I feel ready.. I will talk again. Which can be a very long time. Great post.

Brea said...

I can forgive but I can never go back. Once the relationship has lost its trust, I lose the desire to fix it. I'd much rather cut my loses and move on.

lady in satin said...

I'm a forgiving person, but depending on how much it hurt me, it would be hard for me to forget. I guess with time and prayer, I could be close with someone who hurt me, but it would take alot for me to get over it.

crallspace said...

Wow.. good story.

I can understand the guardedness you refer to. I have that now for many people who were once close. Once they let it out, it's tough to forget. It's tough, but you have to look out for your own feelings.

Your friend was wrong for what she did, but that whole illusion that you stole her man would be understood, if it lasted...maybe for a weekend. Going as far as she did is crazy.

Take care. I always enjoy reading your posts.

jazeGma2 said...

Forgiving is a very important part of life. It is hard for me not to forgive if an individual sincerly shows they want to be forgiven. Now, How do we truly forget something that has hurt us or happend to us? We don't, but as each day goes by, the hurt/pain may becomes less (depending on the situation).

If you forget; how do you become cautious and prevent betrayal, or someone from hurting you again? I don't think we forget because once a situation happends to you. You immediatly change your way of communicating and socializing with that individual.

I do belive the only one that forgets is GOD. He forgives us over and over again. Are we capable of that? Do we really forget? If we do; how can you tell what happend to you to someone else? You have just learned how to deal with the situation. What to do and what not to do again.

Jaimie said...

Good topic Rose. I do consider myself a forgiving person, yet I am still not able to forgive my ex-husband. There were just too many things there; and he still tries to continue it too, so it would just be a continuos cyclical forgiving thing with him.

Clare said...

I always used to think I was a forgiving person but a year or so ago two people who were close friends of mine treated another friend of ours in a terrible way and although they didn't indirectly treat me badly, I could never forgive them for what they did to her when all she had done was move to London to be closer to people she thought were her friends. Neither of them were sorry for the upset they caused her and that's why I could never forgive them and also why I am no longer friends with them either.

DIVA said...

Usually, I am a person who does not readily forgive. I don't say that to mean that I never forgive because I do, but in a lot of instances I don't. In my opinion, forgiveness is usually about appeasing someone else's guilt over a matter which I refuse to do half of the time. And just because I don't forgive doesn't mean that I am holding on to anything with a bunch of resentment and anger. That is not the case at all. If you have wronged me then I do not need you in my life so "poof be gone" If you are gone then I don't think about you anyway so there is no room for anger. In dealing with mt crazy mom who expects everyone to always forgive her BS I learned that I have to look out for self and surround myself with people that ar good to me and good for me. If I think you are sincere then of course I will forgive. I am not perfect either. But if it is some long drawn out mess that is uncalled for, Forget it.

Clay said...

forgiveness is something that can be challenging to learn ... it is a process of letting yourself vent and let it out all the emotions to let go - good post.

Deb S. said...

I can, and I have.

Ruben said...

I'm not a forgiving person. I have tried in the past, but the same things continue to happen. It's ot working for me to hold on to the grudges but I just can't seem to let them go.

BostonPobble said...

For me, forgiving is the way *I* move on. It's the way I keep this person from having that kind of power in my life. And I have also learned to forgive from a distance. Holding on to hurt and anger doesn't serve. Neither, however, does pretending the event never happened and everything's fine. My mother and sister handled my divorce in a way that was exceedingly painful to me. I have accepted that and forgiven it ~ and my relationship with the two of them will never be the same again. There are consequences to every action, every choice. Some actions and choices alter things forever, even with forgiveness.

TeeBee said...

I've gone through a similar situation with a friend and while in college. To this day, I have chosen to leave things where they were because of how betrayed I felt. I forgave her but I moved on. Sometimes that what you have to do once the true person exposes themselves.

Literary`Musings said...

One thing I've learned about forgiveness--- its the beginning of letting go and moving on as well as healing of the wounds by freeing the soul of any negativity.

Deirdre said...

I think I am too forgiving at times...it is my blessing and my curse.

This is very interesting to ponder:)

PINKSandROSES said...

i'm so back :)

Shawn said...

I am not a forgiving person.

In a few cases I allowed friends back into my life that had violated my trust. We did establish close ties but it was never the same.

Currently there are 2 so called friends who have violated my trust that I rarely speak with anymore. Our relationships will forever be changed. It's too bad...I've known both for 14 years. I think I've forgive both but this isn't either's first falling out with me so I am resolved to keeping a healthy distance between us.

The Gig said...

What a wonderful enlightening post! Yes I can forgive, but like you, somehow it's hard to forget. I eventually forgave the woman who came between my husband and me. She called years later after she divorced him and apologized to me letting me know what she had done to me and said that it happened to her also. I forgave her and we have had a few talks. I am not a close friend of hers but I don't detest her anymore. However, there are other circumstances where I have been struggling with forgetting and maybe even forgiving. Grudges are not good for those who hold them.

yeyen said...

i'm the same, i've been betrayed by my bestfriend who is also my childhood friend, but it was not about a guy. she knows almost everything about me and she used all that to go against me. i was so hurt that i couldn't stand anymore and i slapped her left cheek. it happened when we were 14. it was quite hard for me to forgive her but now i could. i forgive, but i dont forget. just like you, i'm just on guard. things aren't as smooth like last time, we're not close like before either. she's trying, i'm trying too. it's just a matter of time when both of you could make up and be like before.

Michelle said...

Forgiveness is a funny thing and it's not easy to master. Like Envizable and Dr. Serani said, while we may forgive -- it's best we don't forget. When a horrible transgression has been done against us, I think the heart takes steps to make sure it can't be hurt and betrayed again -- so the relationship often changes. What we have to be mindful of is not saying we have forgiven someone and then secretly (or not so secretly) holding whatever they did against them by throwing it in their face whenever you get the chance. I've known couples that stay together after a cheating episode and while the wife may "forgive" and take the husband back, she throws the cheating in his face all the time. That's truly not forgiveness. So in our minds, we must each be clear on what forgiving means.

Josie said...

I think you should call her and talk to her. Obviously, you miss her and I'm sure she misses you too. She was young and stuck on a man. What hasn't been there? Not that it wasn't a big blunder on her part, but I think the two of you can work through it once you talk. Perhaps, she was angrier at herself that you had the guts to slide those notes when she didn't. Growing up can be so painful especially when you've hurt people that you love. Not saying she has to be your best friend, but you can make some space for her in your heart. We never know why people are in our lives, but it would be a shame to let a mistake of the past stand in the way of what could be a beautiful friendship. Besides, there might be more going on in her life than you know or vice versa. The more you push someone away, the more life is likely to push the two of you together.

Godknows said...

we are all the saem, Love hard and ... You have a very interesting blog. Thanks for sharing us.

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