Thursday, September 06, 2007

To Trust or Not to Trust

Ten years ago I spent a lot of time with friends talking about life, marriage and just having a good time. Eventually we started talking about marriage and how women should have a stash of cash in the event that the man decided to walk out. See it’s a known fact that when men break up with their women they want them to suffer, to not have the things they had and they want you to wish you were still in the relationship. Through many discussions most of the women felt that a woman who did not have a stash of cash was a stupid woman. Women need money to stay in a hotel, food, and other needs just in case your husband kicks you hard to the curb.

After hearing this conversation over and over, and then having some of my aunts co-sign the same, I guess I decided to put some money aside for my personal hard times should my husband and I broke up. Smart me, the little perfect housewife, went to our safe deposit box in the bank and removed three thousand dollars in bonds. Stupid me hid them in my top dresser draw. Guess what!

Hubby comes home weeks later with the trucks behind him filled with a new master and guest bedroom sets, and a kitchen set. I was happy. I wasn’t expecting it. He wanted me to have this because I had seen these things in the store and joyfully told him how much I loved them.

Once they put everything away, my husband took the drawers and dumped everything in them into clear garbage bags. That’s when he saw them. The bonds. It broke his heart. He was angry. He felt no trust from me and said that I was stealing from the family. I told him why I did it. He asked were my friends in stable strong relationships. I said not really. He shook his head and walked away.

I admit trust had to be rebuilt. If I was going to make that move I should have done that years ago, probably before I said I do. Not after being in a marriage ten years with no known issues.

I read the news report today about Shaq and his wife divorcing. Lawyers are requesting an accounting of all the money, etc., she was responsible for monitoring. Reports indicated in so many words that she was stealing and setting aside money. I thought about when I did it. I’m sure her money is in the millions; no less she did it, if this stuff is true.

If she did steal to put money away, did she do it because her husband was having affairs and she knew in time it would be over and she would be kicked to the curb? Did her family and friends tell her to secure her future? You know Superhead claimed he gave her $10,000 – $15,000 after each sexual experience with him. Maybe his wife thought about that. Anyway, the whole situation reminded me of when I almost lost my marriage because of one act that made him believe that I was untrustworthy. Thank God we are praying family and my husband forgave me.

Do I believe that a woman should have her own money? Yes I do. But it should be established before you are married or it should be something you had prior to your marriage and you just keep it maintained without bringing it into your financial picture with your husband. You see once you get married, your money, stuff, and other things become ours, not mines. Maybe the O'Neals can overcome this and work on their marriage for the sake of their six kids.


GC said...

that's a tough one.
I remember the faux-news article on VH1 or something about their wedding. I remember their vows included the phrase for "richer or richer". It was a lavish affair.

This is a very thoughtful and helpful post that shows we ought to be thoughtful and evaluate where a relationship is before taking advice from other people. They know what they know but there is so much you can't/shouldn't share with others that they can't really weigh in with 100% accuracy.
Thanks for the honesty.

TJ said...

On one hand I hope they work things out, but on the other I wonder where this woman had to be in her relationship where she was taking measures like this. With any advice, but especially marital advice, it is so important to evaluate the source.

kathi said...

I know several women, women who work and women who stay home, who have set up their own bank accounts, but with the full acknowledgement of it. It probably wasn't the fact that you wanted your own money, but how you did it that upset things. Anything hidden is never good in a partnership.

MsPlacedAmbition said...

chile please
protect urself
dont steal, but protet urself

Trenting said...

Excellent post!
Very heartfelt and something I will remember if I make the choice to marry again in the future.

Thank you very much for sharing..

Sharon said...

Wow Rose, you really said a mouthful here.

I've often thought about this issue believing as I do that a woman should always have her own but at the same time in a marriage EVERYTHING IS OURS....and there is no mine or yours. I must admit, that until I read this post, I never thought about what exactly a "woman always haver her own" means from the husband's perspective.

Great heads-up from you that this is definitely something that should be discussed and agreed to prior to everything. Great insight.

Brotha Buck said...

Yes, that would hurt. I have the ability to put myself in anothers shoes, and see things from their perspective. So, I would have understood on one level. But on a larger level, I'd have been hurt.

Brotha Buck said...

Now, don't tell him you blogged about it, too.

Rosemarie said...

Thanks for being so honest about your apparent mistake. WOW! I spend my husband’s money I sure don't save it. I wonder if it's the same, probably not because I spend without the thought of ever breaking up.

I agree with married folk being honest from the beginning about saving together or separate.

I know that God is my provider, but wisdom is necessary.

All the best to the Shaq and his clan!

Brownsoul said...

I believe that each couple of should have their own checking and savings in addition to there joint account(s). My reasoning for this is that my husband and I like to spend money on different things and I don't have a problem with him splurging on something that I could care less about as long as our joint responsibilities get taken care of. I understand the issue with trust though. Why is it necessary to hide? And I don't really have any doubts that Shaq cheated on his wife so I do believe he's being a hypocrite....but it will all come out.

Trust is EVERYTHING. The biggest problem my husband and I are having right now is that he feels it isn't necessary to answer my questions. I don't get that. If he's leaving the house, as his wife I should be able to simply ask where he's going! I've never acted jealous or overbearing...I just like to be in the know. We will not survive if he doesn't come to the realization that his secretive attitude is not doing anything to help us keep and build trust in our relationship.

princessdominique said...

I think that you should both have something, not just for leaving but in case of anything, in case you want to buy each other a gift. The joint account is usually to pay a bill or maintain the household. Who wants to use the joint credit card to buy his wife flowers.

Momma Bear said...

Wow, this is a thought provoking post. I learned a long time ago not to listen to what others have to say. Although after my experience with divorce, I always told my friends to be sure they have some kind of good education in case of break up so they could get a good job to survive. You see I was a housewife and stayed home to take care of the kids while my ex was working a job and making good money with a good raise. When our marriage failed over another woman, gambling, etc. He had his good job and I had to go on welfare, take a typing course and then get a job. The Lord was with me because I was raising four boys alone although their father was made by the courts to pay child support which was nothing compared to what child support is today. so you see; my advice is to be sure you have some kind of educational back up in case of a marriage break up and in your case -- I pray that never happens.

I have been trying to comment on your post for days but have been having trouble (ever since we had to change to Google).

Kayla said...

I'm in agreement with princess Dom. There is nothing wrong with having a personal account as well as a joint account; as long as both of you are aware that each of you have that account. Sometimes you just want to buy things at the spur of the moment, and taking money from a joint account isn't always acceptable. However, if you go into your marriage knowing you have that seperate account and your husband/wife doesn't know about it, I think that's wrong. I wasn't aware of the logistics involving their pending divorce. I just thought he was upset that she wasn't telling him how much money she actually had, not that she was taking money they were making and putting it to the side for her own personal use.

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Michelle said...

Thanks for sharing your experience Rose. Listening to other folks (especially when they don't have things as good as you) can get you in a heap of trouble, eh? Glad you and hubby worked it out. I too am a graduate of the Mine, Yours and Ours School of Finance. But like someone said, anything hidden is never good in a partnership, so make sure you have that understanding up front.

Sister P said...

Great post. Once I had a big argument with my hubby and went to the ATM and made a $500 withdrawal (the limit for the weekend). I took the money in case I needed a hotel and change of clothes. We reconciled the same day, but I showed him the money. Luckily, he laughed about it. I think that sneaking is always wrong and sometimes the "back in the day" advice, should stay there! My experience: Make enough of your own money and it won't matter if you find yourself single or not, you'll be able to maintain.

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